Ripping The Ottawa Senators

Using your name as a logo is so original and creative, Ottawa 

Did you know the Habs have moved up into 14th place in the East?  How dare you lose to us, Ottawa!  Suddenly I can see the playoffs off in the horizon.  Much like how Sarah Palin can see Russia from her home.

With a 0.04% chance of making the playoffs it's hard to find anything funny or humorous these days.  Being a Montreal fan this past season has given me many hockey insecurities.  So, what do people with insecurities do when they're feeling down?  Make fun of others.

In honor of our home and home with Ottawa, here are some great things about Senators history that make me feel good inside as a Montreal fan:

June 2007: In the dying moments of the second period in Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Daniel Alfredsson decided to wire the puck straight at Scott Niedermayer.  Whether it was done out of frustation, anger, or just plain fatigue, it was awesome.  Alfredsson isn't that type of player though. Alfredsson is more likely to hit someone, and then quickly apologize for the bump along the boards.  Alfredsson was merely trying to show off his Knuckle Puck style, so that the Ducks GM would acquire him mid game. Unfortunately, Pierre Gauthier was not GM of the Senators at the time.      

1993 NHL Entry Draft: With their first overall pick the Ottawa Senators selected Alexandre Daige.  His highest ever recorded points in an NHL season? 51.  Drafted after Daige was Chris Pronger, and Rob Niedermayer.  Pronger and Niedermayer have combined for roughly 1,100 points over their careers, and the sad thing is that Pronger is only a defence man.  No punch line needed.   

Multiple Occasions: As someone whose closest NHL arena is Scotia Bank Place, there have been more than a few road trips to games that involved drinking. For example: that time I got moved out of the kids section, that time I bought tickets from a scalper for way UNDER face value before the game even began, that time I was checked for ID 3 times before getting back to our seat with a round of beers, that time I spent more on beer than the price of the ticket to get in, the list goes on and on.

Wade Redden: After the 2006 playoffs the Senators had to make up their mind, were they keeping Redden, or Chara.  In the end they decided they would keep Redden, who had the better season the past year.  Chara went onto be a Norris Trophy winner, and captain of an All Star team this past season.  As for Redden, he moved on to New York, did some coke, disappeared into the AHL, and was never heard of again.  So all in all, one of the greatest moves in Senators history.

Goalie and Coach Graveyard: The Ottawa Senators ruin more NHL goalies and coaches than any other team in the league.  Some of the goalies on this list were top notch, but after leaving Ottawa their careers took a major turn for the worse. Here's a short list of a few:
- Ron Tugnutt
- Damian Rhodes
- Tom Barrasso
- Ray Emery
- Martin Gerber
- Dominik Hasek
- Pascal Leclaire

And coaches.  In the last eight years can you guess how many coaches the Sens have had? SEVEN:
- Jacques Martin
- Bryan Murray
- John Paddock
- Bryan Murray (again)
- Craig Hartsburg
- Cory Clouston
- Paul MacLean

There...now I feel better.  Sens fans feel free to cross your arms and leave AHF with slight emotion.  Just try it... once...

Game time is 7 pm on CBC.

AHF NHL Playoff Bracket

With the March Madness NCAA Basketball tournament starting up tomorrow, people all over North America and abroad are filling out their brackets.  Even President Obama gets in on the action each year.

Though my knowledge in sports lies pretty much in the world of hockey, I've been attempting brackets for the past six years.  This year my final four are: Kentucky, Syracuse, Missouri, and North Carolina.

When it comes to the NHL nobody gets excited and fills out an NHL playoff bracket.  I am here to change that today.

Since my creative juices are lacking in humour during this dismal time in Montreal, I thought I'd throw together an NHL bracket of my own based on the NHL Playoffs matches that would be happening if the season ended last night.

Please feel free to rip me apart in the comment section.

1st Round 

East:

New York Rangers vs Washington Capitals

Winner: New York Rangers in 5

Boston Bruins vs Ottawa Senators

Winner: Boston Bruins in 5

Florida Panthers vs New Jersey Devils

Winner: New Jersey Devils in 4

Philadelphia Flyers vs Pittsburgh Penguins 

Winner: Pittsburgh Penguins in 6

West: 

St. Louis Blues vs. San Jose Sharks

Winner: San Jose Sharks in 6

Vancouver Canucks vs Phoenix Coyotes 

Winner: Vancouver Canucks in 6

Chicago Blackhawks vs. Dallas Stars

Winner: Dallas Stars in 7

Detroit Red Wings vs. Nashville Predators

Winner: Detroit Red Wings in 6 

2nd Round

East:

New York Rangers vs New Jersey Devils

Winner: New York Rangers in 5

Boston Bruins vs Pittsburgh Penguins

Winner: Pittsburgh Penguins in 7

West:

Vancouver Canucks vs San Jose Sharks

Winner: Vancouver Canucks in 6

Detroit Red Wings vs Dallas Stars

Winner: Detroit  Red Wings in 5

3rd Round

East:

New York Rangers vs Pittsburgh Penguins 

Winner: Pittsburgh Penguins in 6

West:

Vancouver Canucks vs Detroit Red Wings

Winner: Detroit Red Wings in 7

Stanley Cup Final:

Detroit Red Wings vs Pittsburgh Penguins 

WINNER:  NBC/Gary Bettman 

Other Ryan Miller Complaints

Multi-Millionnaire, or homeless Sabres Fan? 

Tonight the Habs take on the Buffalo Sabres in what has become a pointless game in all regards.

We're not going to make the playoffs, that was determined in December.  We're not going to draft Yakupov, that was determined by this mini winning streak.

Since tonight's game is totally pointless, and there really is no reason to keep watching the Habs games this season, I thought it might be timely to make fun of Ryan Miller.  He deserves it, and he plays for one of the most boring teams in the Eastern Conference.

I sent in a top secret reporter to spy on Miller over the course of the past few weeks.  Here is a few of the things this top secret reporter overheard Miller saying:

"Hey guys, from now on I'm controlling the music in the dressing room pre-game.  Only Three Days Grace and Simple Plan songs on your iPod's will be allowed. "

"Vanek gets paid 7.1 million!?! That's way more than me, and I'm a Vezina and Olympic MVP!  That's gutless...totally gutless"

"Whoaaa, guys did you know Grant Fuhr was black?  I'm totally just learning this right now.  I was googling average Buffalo goalies with promising resumes"

"Hey I just stuck around to say... Paul Gaustad should have been the highest paid player on this team!  The fact that he was traded by management shows how much a piece of shit they are.  Like really???  Who needs a 1st round draft pick when you can have a solid 20 point per season guy."

"Why won't my guys come out and back me up on the ice after overtime is finished?  They leave me out there, one on one, for three shooters in a row...."

"My out-of-the-crease style would have totally stopped Hull in '99"

"Hey, you'd dye your hair black and slit your wrists to if you signed a contract to live and play in Buffalo  until 2014"

Pros & Cons Of Crosby's Return

For The Lady Readers of AHF

A couple days ago it was speculated that superstar forward, Sidney Crosby, would be returning to action as early as Sunday afternoon.  This made Canadian hockey personalties go crazy, and left fans making some big decisions with their fantasy hockey rosters.

Among all of the positive things Crosby brings to the game, there is also a handful of negative.  I think it's important that we examine both the pros, and cons of Sidney Crosby's return to the NHL.

As always, I've prepared a quick list of these pros and cons to break down Crosby's long awaited return to the game:





Pro: With Crosby back in the lineup for the Pens, they're sure to make a deep run into the playoffs this year.
Con: Having to see close up, HD shots of Crosby's upper lip for two months in April & May.

Pro: Having one of the most entertaining and talented players in the league back on your tv making huge plays.
Con: Having one of the most entertaining and talented players in the league back on your tv selling you coffee, equipment, shoes, bread, and gatorade during every intermission.

Pro: Watching our Olympic hero get back out on the ice and take his first shift in the Black & Gold.
Con: Being distracted while Crosby is on the ice because NBC has replaced their 'shift clock' timer with a 'hit to the head' counter for Crosby shifts.

Pro: It's always great to see such a classy guy return from injury and get back into the game he loves.
Con: As you read all of this, he probably just scored two goals against your favourite team.  Note if you are a Maple Leafs fan multiple this number by an additional two.  

Pro: Being able to once again take in the magic and sick moves that Crosby brings to the ice every game.
Con: Having this magic ruined when Pierre Mcguire turns it into some sort of strange sexual fantasy.

Pro: Sales of Crosby jerseys are almost guaranteed to rise which is great for the NHL and the Pittsburgh Penguins.
Con: You cannot exchange your Jeff Carter Blue Jackets jersey for a Crosby jersey.

Other Reasons Cammalleri Skipped The Game

Words that don't come to mind: Loyalty, Commitment, Trust, Team Guy 

After hearing that Mike Cammalleri was not going to be facing his former team last night, the first thing that went through my mind was, 'what a loser.'

This is a guy who gave us two solid days of sports radio coverage.  The guy calls out his own team, barely gets any minutes during the next game, disappears from said game all together, and then all of a sudden, is in a cab on the way to the airport.  

It was unprecedented gold for us in the blogging world.

So how could a guy who gave us so many headlines, bail out of last nights game?  This is the NHL, Mike, and your 'undisclosed injury' is pretty obvious.

Google defines 'Fear' as : An unpleasant emotion cause by the belief that someone, or something dangerous is likely to cause pain.  In this case, Ryan White.

Since Cammalleri isn't going to disclose his injury to us, lets examine some other reasons why Mike Cammalleri skipped last nights game against the Habs:

1. Prior to the game, Mike Cammalleri was traded to the newly formed Ontario Maple Leafs, coached by Kingston boy, Don Cherry.  Unfortunately neither the Maple Leafs or Cherry forgot their roots, and the team lost a crucial deciding playoff game due to too many men on the ice.

2. During the warm up skate, Yannik Weber threatened to "even up" Cammalleri's good leg, after cutting his other leg early in the season.

3. After over hearing Randy Cunneyworth's Marc Crawford-esque speech pre-game to Ryan White about the term 'losers,' he thought it might be a better idea to watch the game from a comfy press box, triple locked with a chair under the door handle equipped with 'the hounds' from The Simpsons protecting him.

4. Actually decided to wear the invisible cloak from the Harry Potter films while on the ice, so all in all, a typical Cammalleri hockey game.

5. Insert a stereotypical, culturally insensitive, and/or socially unacceptable joke about the Jewish faith.

6. Was afraid to be traded mid-game back to 15th place Montreal.   

Rules For Attending An Eastern Conference Home Game

Sad, hopeless individuals 

After Maple Leafs fans essentially got Ron Wilson fired last week by chanting "FIRE WILSON'' at a home game, I thought it might be a good idea to examine the rules of attending an NHL game, from an Eastern Conference perspective.

While there are no clearly defined rules for attending a home game for your favourite team, there are some unwritten rules that all fans should be aware of.  For the sake of simplicity I've outlined them for you below:





Winnipeg Jets-  While attending a Winnipeg Jets game, it is important to remember to keep chanting "GO JETS GO!" throughout the entire game.  If Jets fans fail to do this, then the league reserves the right to remove the team, and relocate.  This is located under the 'Season Ticket' rule for the Winnipeg franchise.  As a result, the people of Winnipeg have not stopped chanting "GO JETS GO!" since May 2011, at the risk of being shot by Canadian media personalities.

Pittsburgh Penguins- Fans at Pittsburgh home games must always bring a sign stating their sexual and or marriage intensions with Sidney Crosby.  Note- this applies to male Pens fans too.

New York Rangers-  It is customary at a Rangers home game to either cheer for the Jets or Yankees if they're also playing that night, as you are likely at the Rangers game because the baseball and football games were sold out.

Washington Capitals- Make sure you tell the opposing team that "WE ARE LOUDER" than your fans (even though 'their' fans don't understand what hockey even is).

Ottawa Senators- Make sure when attending any Senators home game that you quietly make your way to your seat, and then don't make a sound all night.

New York Islanders- N/A

Buffalo Sabres-  When attending a Sabres game, make sure you never sit in the wrong seat. If you do, that Buffalo fan will complain to you for 10 years after about how you were 'out of place' and how 'that's illegal'.

Tampa Bay Lightning- Cheer loud enough for the Habs that it drowns out the 100 Lightning fans at the game.

Philadelphia Flyers- Insert team/ player name followed or preceded by the words 'sucks' or 'fuck'

Carolina Hurricanes- No chants are required from fans at home games, so long as before the game you bring your pick up truck, BBQ and 24 of Bud Light for the parking lot party.

New Jersey Devils- Always ensure your face is painted for games at MSG with your girlfriend, Elaine.

Florida Panthers: Cheer loud enough for the Habs that it drowns out the 50 Panthers fans at the game.

Boston Bruins- Encourage any mindless cheap shots or goon like plays that may happen throughout the course of the game.

Toronto Maple Leafs- Ensure a loud strong chant of "FIRE CARLYLE" is heard by Brian Burke after the first Leafs home loss with Randy as the new head coach.